Episode 32 – Shattering Silence: Kat Polsinelli on Breaking Free from Abuse and Finding Empowerment

Todd Bertsch: 0:10

Welcome back to the Bolt Podcast. I’m Todd Bertsch and I’m thrilled to be your guide on this inspiring journey of personal growth and leadership. Together with my guests, we’ll dive into transformational stories, uncovering how small, intentional changes can create massive positive results in your life From overcoming challenges and setting impactful goals to building lasting habits and living with confidence, health and positivity. We’ll explore it all and, if you’re ready, to embrace a growth mindset, and unlock the best version of yourself, then let’s spark that transformation today.

Todd Bertsch: 0:46

Today’s guest is Kat Polsinelli. Kat’s journey from a 10-year-old stage performer to overcoming a decade-long abusive relationship is one of resilience and transformation. A survivor of domestic PTSD, and single motherhood at 16, Kat is now a sought-after speaker, best-selling co-author and host of Real Chat with Kat, a top 10% globally ranked podcast. Through raw storytelling, she empowers others to reclaim their strength and rebuild their lives, shedding light on the hidden wounds of emotional and psychological abuse. Shedding light on the hidden wounds of emotional and psychological abuse. Kat speaks at universities, healthcare events and criminal justice panels, sparking conversations and challenging perspectives on abusive relationships. Listeners, get ready for an inspiring conversation about resilience and transformation, Kat. Welcome to the Bolt Podcast, my friend.

Kat Polsinelli: 1:43

Thank you so much, Todd. I’m so excited to be here.

Todd Bertsch: 1:47

I’m so excited to have you here. We’ve had a couple of conversations over the past few months. I was on your show. I just love your energy. I love your passion, your attitude. You’re just so easy to talk to. I’m just excited to get into this conversation with you.

Kat Polsinelli: 2:06

Thank you so much.

Todd Bertsch: 2:06

I want to start by this one line or tagline that I saw on your website that just resonated with me and it says Kat is here to spark conversations, challenge perspectives and bring light into even the darkest moments. I mean that spark conversations and bring light into even the darkest moments. I mean that spark conversations and bring light into even the darkest moments. I mean that’s what the bolt is all about. So I just love. I just wanted to kind of start with that and set the tone.

Kat Polsinelli: 2:35

Nice, I appreciate that.

Todd Bertsch: 2:37

So let’s talk about your journey of transformation. I mean, it’s really inspiring and you talk about childhood and being a stage performer, so I’m really curious. I mean it’s really inspiring and you talk about childhood and being a stage performer, so I’m really curious. I couldn’t find anything about this on LinkedIn or on the internet, so I don’t know if this is a hidden secret, but potentially we have some things in common there. So what were you? Were you a dancer? Ballet?

Kat Polsinelli: 3:02

No, I used to sing.

Todd Bertsch: 3:03

Oh, you were a singer, wow.

Kat Polsinelli: 3:07

Yeah, I used to sing, so I did all kinds of stuff from a really young age and I think one of the coolest things I ever got to do was our elementary school, I think when I was like in fifth grade, decided to release a CD of Christmas music and I got to be the lead solo singer on like several different tracks, which was so cool. Our school had never done anything like that before and my music teacher had asked me to be a part of it, and so I’ve loved music since I was gosh, since I could walk.

Todd Bertsch: 3:36

Okay, that’s awesome. Well, good for you. Do you still sing?

Kat Polsinelli: 3:42

I do Not as much professionally but I do love to karaoke.

Todd Bertsch: 3:47

Yeah, I bet you’re a heck of a karaoke-er. Yeah Shower singer.

Kat Polsinelli: 3:51

Oh yeah, of course. Or in the car when the kids are like, yeah, nobody is attuned out.

Todd Bertsch: 3:56

Right, kids are like come on, mom. Really Cool. Well, that’s great. What was that experience like? Did that provide you some practice? And now, being a keynote speaker, I can imagine that that had some influence.

Kat Polsinelli: 4:11

It did. You know, it’s really funny and I think about this now when I get up on stage or if I singing acapella to the entire school. We had a talent show at that time with 900 students and I sung he’s Got the Whole World in His Hands.

Todd Bertsch: 4:37

What on earth?

Kat Polsinelli: 4:38

provoked me to stand on stage by myself in front of this crowd, and I loved every minute of it and it’s the same thing. When I get to talk with people, I feel like I’m back in that space.

Todd Bertsch: 4:51

Right.

Kat Polsinelli: 4:52

And it’s a unique experience. I mean, you still get the jitters sometimes, you still get like that. I don’t want to call it anxiety, because I think it’s more like I get hyper excited.

Todd Bertsch: 5:02

Yeah, it’s excitement, that anxious, excitement, sure.

Kat Polsinelli: 5:05

Yeah, but it’s every time that I step onto it it’s like stepping back in there when. I was little and like seeing everybody there and be like okay, this is it.

Todd Bertsch: 5:16

I love it Childhood, being able to step back right and recall those memories.

Kat Polsinelli: 5:20

Oh yeah.

Todd Bertsch: 5:21

And I I don’t know if I shared this with you, but when I was a teenager and this shows me a little bit, but breakdancing was really popular and I was an avid breakdancer. I was into it day and night, all day, for three, four years straight. That’s all I did. And I traveled and being on stage. I just absolutely loved that. Actually, what I loved the most was going to the malls.

Todd Bertsch: 5:45

This was back when going to the mall was like the thing to do and we would go to the center of the mall and we’d have a group of us and we would just start dancing and cycle in and out and there would be this group of people that would just kind of come around, right Circle around us and in fact it got to the point where, like, security had to come because we were blocking off stores and you know. But it was, it was a spectacle. You know, break dancing was beautiful and at the time everybody was doing it, or everybody loved at least watching it. And I loved performing and being on stage and just bringing a smile to somebody’s face, you know, or inspiring a younger kid. But yeah, I loved it and you’re right, you know, that gets you motivated and gives you that experience to get out on stage in front of people and talk.

Kat Polsinelli: 6:32

So there’s something about music, too. There’s something about music and movement that just breaks up the difference between people that just like stand in front of a microphone right. You know and just speak. There’s something about it, At least it is for me, you know like there’s so much more that’s in it. It really is a performance, but it’s kind of a surreal moment I feel like every single time that I do it.

Todd Bertsch: 6:56

Right, yeah, absolutely, and I think having that nervous energy is good. Right, that means we care and we’re really excited. I was listening to a podcast this morning, ironically, and this woman was talking about not necessarily speaking, but she is a mountain climber and I don’t know the full story, but a very well-known mountain climber and she gets nervous before she goes out and does all of this but she wiggles her toes. Goes out and does all of this but she wiggles her toes, she said to really kind of connect her mind and body and that relaxes her and kind of gets her in a mindset to get ready for that experience. I thought that was interesting.

Kat Polsinelli: 7:34

I was like I might actually try that. I was going to say I was just thinking the same thing. I might have to try that.

Todd Bertsch: 7:41

So I don’t, maybe it just works for her, but I’ll give it a shot. You know I’m open, so a little little side tip so yeah. So let’s get back to Kat. So, Kat, you have spoken openly about surviving this decade long abusive relationship. What were some of the biggest challenges that you faced during this time and how did you find the strength to leave? I know the stats are crazy An estimated 10 million people every year as many as one in four women and one in nine men are victims of domestic violence, and most are not reported. It’s just crazy. So, as much as you are willing or want to share, what was your experience like and how did you find that strength to leave and make some change?

Kat Polsinelli: 8:27

Yeah, and thank you for having those statistics as well, because I don’t think that enough of us realize how much is going on. And, like you said, those statistics that you have, those are for people that actually reported it, right, right, right. So think about that. So think about how many people haven’t even come forward. And so, when I think about a lot of the challenges that I face, what’s really interesting is I didn’t even know that I had those challenges At that time. I was just surviving, I was just being a mom, I was just being a good girlfriend, I was doing my job.

Kat Polsinelli: 9:02

There’s so many things that you don’t think about, but when I, when I look back, I feel like the biggest thing that I realize now that I was struggling with was the ability to, the ability to know myself and the ability to trust myself. Because when you’re in a situation like that and this is, I think, what a lot of people don’t realize is one abuse comes in all different shapes, sizes. It’s not that you are being beaten every single time, which that does happen, but that’s not. There’s financial, there’s abuse, there’s emotional abuse, there’s verbal abuse. There are so many different things, and those are what I call the silent abusers, right? Those are the things that when you walk past someone, you would never know that it was happening to them. I mean, I worked in the medical field for 10 years and nobody knew, nobody. Nobody had a clue. I came in and put my game face on every single day and so I feel like that, remembering who I was and fighting to understand if I was right. Or should I just completely listen to what this person is saying is something that I battled all the time, and it wasn’t until I was in my living room one time it was about eight years in.

Kat Polsinelli: 10:08

My boys were, I think they were in like five and seven at the time and I remember that we were arguing and all of a sudden, my kids came into the room, out from the side, and they’re standing beside him and my youngest one has his hands on his hips and he’s like yeah, mom, why are you being like this? You’re the problem, you’re the bad person. And out of all of the things that my ex had said to me, out of all the things that had happened, none of them affected me the way it did when my child spoke to me the same way that he did, and that was a light bulb moment for me. I was like I can’t let my boys grow up to be like this. There’s absolutely no way I want them to be like this person.

Kat Polsinelli: 10:47

And that was kind of the first moment of realizing like something’s got to happen, something has to change. And it still took several years before I even got a chance to get out of it. But that was when I started to shift to believe more in myself. I would try to watch something to do with church if I could, if I could sneak it, just anything I could do to give me a different set of beliefs that were separate from what he was constantly berating me with all the time.

Todd Bertsch: 11:16

And you were young, right.

Kat Polsinelli: 11:19

Yeah, I got in that relationship when I was 18. I got out when I was 28.

Todd Bertsch: 11:22

And you were a young mother, 16.

Kat Polsinelli: 11:27

Yeah, yeah, that was another whole situation and what’s really interesting about that is for any of your audience members because I know that this is a stigma that people put people in I actually had a really great childhood. I was the oldest of three girls. I played sports, I did choir. I was always doing something. I got to sing a solo at Epcot when I was 16. I was pregnant at the time. That was interesting, but I did. I went with my choir class so I had places I wanted to go. I got with a boy, first boy. I was just like everybody had a boyfriend at that time and I ended up getting pregnant and so I decided at that point in time that I refused to be like some of the other people that I had seen getting pregnant who were completely just like. I still want to live my teenage life.

Kat Polsinelli: 12:13

So I left my high school. I went to an alternative school that actually allowed me to take my son with me. I paid a dollar a day for daycare at that time. That was 20 years ago and, yeah, and I graduated early. So I graduated, actually, my junior year second in class.

Kat Polsinelli: 12:29

I was president of student council, is pretty proud of myself and, um, when we graduated, my uh, my oldest son’s father dipped.

Kat Polsinelli: 12:38

You know he wanted to have his life. Um, I put myself into college and then that was about the time that my family and I started kind of butting heads because I was pretty proud of myself. I felt like I had, you know, showed the world how I was going to make up for that mistake. And you know, they were a little bit more old school and so they had still had their expectations and we clashed. And so when I met my my ex youngest son’s father, that was kind of like the complete opposite of what I was used to being around. I was like you could talk to your parents like that, you can do whatever you want. This is amazing. And so I was like magnetized to it. And so I took what I had planned on doing and I kind of threw a lot of it out the window because I saw an opening that I thought at the time right, because I’m 18. I’m still a teen that I thought was a good move for me.

Todd Bertsch: 13:26

Wow, wow, I mean that’s so young to go through all of that, and just inspirational that I mean you’re a very strong willed woman, that’s for damn sure.

Kat Polsinelli: 13:38

Thank you.

Todd Bertsch: 13:39

And so, how did you make this transformation? Where did the strength come from?

Kat Polsinelli: 13:45

It’s always come from my kids. It has always come from my kids. It has always come from my kids anytime that I knew something needed to change. They were the ones that I looked to and they were the ones that were constantly reminding me that I had to do better, so they could see that things could be done differently. So when I got out of that relationship, I started over. So when I got out of that relationship, I started over. We moved back in with my family. We’re very blessed for that to happen. So I lived in a bedroom with them.

Kat Polsinelli: 14:12

I put myself back through college at night, while I had a full-time job during the day, and the whole focus was how can I make up for what we never had the ability to do? And so that was what I was really focused on for a really long time. So I took everything that I had dealt with and I shoved it into a box, and I still spent years in court fighting back and forth. But my kids were the focus, they were my driving point, and so it was like, okay, what can we do for them? How can I put a smile on their face? How can we do something we didn’t get to do? I wanted them to be able to have a childhood. They were 10 and seven when I left that relationship, so my oldest one especially, had lost a lot of years of not being able to enjoy childhood, and so I felt like I needed to make up for that.

Kat Polsinelli: 14:55

So that’s what I did for a really long time, and it wasn’t until a few years in that I realized that I had PTSD, that I had anxiety. I ended up having a heart issue for a while. I had to go to a doctor and wear a heart monitor and the whole nine yards. And that was kind of a realization that maybe I should look into me, and so I kind of dabbled in it. I tried therapy didn’t really work for me. Not saying that doesn’t work for other people, but it didn’t really work for me, I don’t. I just don’t think that I was ready for the labels and to have everything that I had been through been brought back up Like that’s not how I wanted to solve it.

Kat Polsinelli: 15:29

And so a couple of years into it, my oldest one was getting into his teenage years and you know everybody say all the teenage years. You know there’s so much you have to deal with and blah, blah, blah, blah. But there was something about his teenage years that really reflected the same thing that I was doing and so, again, it was another one of those like light bulb moments that I was like, okay, I know that you’re a teen, but we are very at the time I didn’t know what triggered meant, but we were very triggered by each other. Right, I would yell at him, he would yell back, we would both get super defensive and I’m like this isn’t making any sense. And so, funny enough, I had a friend of mine reach out who was in the process of getting her esthetician license and was like hey, would you like a free facial? And I was like, of course I would. So I went down and I did this facial and I have zero clue how we got on the conversation, but she started talking about law of attraction and manifestation.

Kat Polsinelli: 16:18

And I was like what in the absolute heck is that crap? And for whatever reason, it piqued my interest and I started kind of looking into stuff. And then I started listening to a couple of podcasts and then I started kind of opening up into other things and then I was like you mean, like I can actually change how I see things. Well, now this is interesting. And so that kind of started that journey, and that was a little over five years ago. And again it came back to my kids like to realizing that I had to change something, because I was ultimately showing them who to be. And if I’m not showing them how to grow and all we’re doing is screaming at each other, what am I teaching them for the future?

Todd Bertsch: 17:01

Yeah, yeah, it’s amazing what our kids can do for us, whether we want to see it or not, right? I have a 13 year old daughter, so I’m going through a lot of different experiences right now. That’s been challenging, but, you know, I’m really trying to be open and looking at it from different glasses, different mindsets. You know whatever works different glasses, different mindsets you know whatever works. But just giving her space and trying to be really empathetic towards what she’s going through which you know as a man I can’t relate to right but I can be empathetic and just know that she’s going through a lot of change, both mentally and physically. But yeah, and I’ve had those moments with her too. You know where she’s, her and my wife just go at it and she’ll like say really mean things and make my wife cry, and that would just like be a trigger for me.

Todd Bertsch: 18:00

I don’t care, she could do whatever to me and I have thick skin and that’s fine. But when you make my wife cry, that just man, that just got me and the old me would, just you know, get upset and run up to a room and yell and scream and and so, yeah, I had kind of a moment where I’m like you know what? This is not good. What am I showing her? So I can totally relate to that.

Kat Polsinelli: 18:22

I appreciate you sharing that too, because it’s it is hard. I mean, we’re so separated from being a teen. It’s hard to remember what it was like to be one, or it’s easy for us to be like it’s not ever going to matter. Why do you even care? We forget that in their mind like right there in the middle of it. That is their world and I so I love that you’re having the empathy for her, because one it’s a completely different world than what you and I went through like completely different Right.

Kat Polsinelli: 18:49

And that’s, I feel like, what was the one thing that was missing when I was that age was my parents didn’t know how to relate, and so that’s what I felt kind of like pushed us against each other. Right, I’ve learned to have the ability to relate to my kids, even if I don’t agree with it or if I’m like boy. I know this is not going to matter in three years, but in that moment for them they just want to be heard, and that has created such closeness with me and my boys more than anything, and the ability to actually be open and vulnerable as well, which I think, as a parent, that’s really hard for us to do, because we want to be that perfect person, that person that they look up to, but if we don’t show them that we screw up too, then they’re going to be upset when they have flaws because they didn’t see that in you.

Todd Bertsch: 19:34

Right, yeah, no, I, I, I totally agree with that. I’m always trying to share what I. She doesn’t want to hear it, but try to share my failures with her because she sees me doing you know all these things and puts me in this light of you know, whatever. And yeah, it’s important, you know, it’s important to celebrate the victories and the losses and look at those as lessons, absolutely so I guess the core message there is we can learn a lot from our kids and they are definitely an inspiration for us. So you can get your MBA, you can get all kinds of degrees, but, man, you can learn a lot from your kids. Yeah, they are a Now. Kat, you’ve mentioned the lasting effects of trauma, especially emotional and psychological abuse. How do you think society overlooks these types of trauma and what can we do to raise some?

Kat Polsinelli: 20:38

awareness here. Even though people are starting to use that term, I don’t think that people are understanding the definition of trauma. When I’ve talked to a lot of people, they associate trauma with, like, some huge event that happened in their life. And while, yes, that is a traumatic event, trauma can come from all kinds of things and it can be the smallest things that affect us. I’ll give you an example that I didn’t even realize was a trauma for me.

Kat Polsinelli: 21:13

I’ve always loved speaking. I’ve always loved being on stage. When I was in college, when I first started, I took a speaking class and during that speaking class I was so excited I was giving a presentation, I had it memorized, I was good to go and I am a very animated person. Always have been, always will be, and so when I talk, I talk with my hands, but I knew how to stand at the podium, I knew how to direct the class, I knew how to give the information and when I got done, the first thing that my speaking teacher told me was you need to stop moving and keep your hands to your side. You’re distracting.

Kat Polsinelli: 21:41

When I decided to get back into speaking, that came back up, something that someone said that shouldn’t matter, because it was their opinion, but because I saw them as someone to look up to, because they were a teacher. It stuck with me and I didn’t realize that until I got back into the speaking world and I had a moment. I was like, oh my gosh, I let somebody’s opinion affect me. That was something that stuck with me.

Kat Polsinelli: 22:06

And so when we talk about traumas, we need to think of it more as the effects and the challenges that we’ve been through and how those challenges have affected us throughout our life, because a lot of times they don’t leave. We think they do, but they don’t. And so when we’re bringing awareness to breaking the stigmas of trauma, it’s understanding that everybody goes through things differently. Everybody has a different perspective, but everybody also has a different background, and so, depending on your childhood and depending on what you went through, what you grew up through is also going to affect how something bothers you or doesn’t bother you, and it doesn’t make it right or wrong. I think that we need to learn to be in a state of neutrality and start coming into spaces with curiosity.

Todd Bertsch: 23:02

Yeah, talking my language there. That’s my word.

Kat Polsinelli: 23:06

Curiosity is like that is one of my favorite words. It’s a word that I had to learn. I think that we get used to judging people because we’re taught that Not inevitably to be mean for most of us, but we’re taught to judge. You hear your parents say something about something someone wears and you’re like, oh yeah, and you keep that with you.

Todd Bertsch: 23:27

Sure.

Kat Polsinelli: 23:28

And I had someone on my podcast a while back that said something that really resonated with me and I love sharing this, and they said think about it this way Every time that you find yourself judging someone for something, look back at yourself, because there’s a very good possibility you are judging yourself for that same thing. And that was such a mind blowing moment because I realized, oh my God, I do.

Todd Bertsch: 23:55

Right.

Kat Polsinelli: 23:55

I do that and I didn’t even realize it. So if I can let go of the judgment for others and I can start loving myself more about that, I’m going to have more of an open view. I’m going to have more of that curiosity. I’m going to have more of that neutrality, not only for myself but for other people which is what we need in this world.

Todd Bertsch: 24:14

Yeah, we do, and I love how you frame that or how you worded it neutrality. I never really thought of it that way, but that’s a great way to look at curiosity, because when you’re being curious, you’re really just being open. You’re being open to anything and everything, and when you’re open, you’re not being judgmental and that’s the beauty of it, at least in my opinion, which does come across as being neutral, because you’re not being judgmental, you’re not coming in with an opinion, you’re just coming in to watch and listen, right.

Todd Bertsch: 24:50

So you’re not reacting, you’re just taking it in. Maybe you’ll respond, maybe you won’t, but you’re just being open-minded. Every scenario. With that mindset, we will be much better off. And that is a big part of my coaching the mental fitness coaching through positive intelligence. It’s called the sage perspective and it’s just being able to be curious and finding the gift and the opportunity in every situation. And when you do that, the lens through which you see the world is so different and it’s beautiful and it makes life a hell of a lot easier.

Todd Bertsch: 25:29

If I’m being honest, and just more positive and it’s amazing what you’ll see when you change right, when you change that mindset and be neutral.

Kat Polsinelli: 25:43

And you give yourself the space to be able to actually understand where somebody’s coming from. When I started doing this practice of actually listening active listening is what they call it, and being able to not judge I allowed myself the ability to be able to then ask questions, because our brains are really good at filling in the blanks when we’re listening to someone.

Kat Polsinelli: 26:03

Oh, yeah, so you hear part of what they say, then you create the story and then you’re like oh, that’s what you meant by it. And so what I’ve learned to do now is ask the question like hey, I know that you were explaining this, let me make sure I got this right, okay, and so what I was thinking that you meant by that was this is that correct? And you give people that space to be like no, that was not, that’s not it at all. So they get to re-explain themselves. But when you do that, you’re also teaching your brain that it’s not a hundred percent right. And so then it starts to search for those answers it wants to know. And I find myself asking so many questions. I’m sure I probably drive people crazy, but I do. I find myself asking so many questions so much more than I used to, which allows me to actually see the whole picture, not whatever picture my brain wanted to create.

Todd Bertsch: 26:50

Right, right, absolutely. So we went down a little bit of a rabbit hole there, but that’s okay, that’s part of this, right, but good stuff and important to talk about those things. Kat, one of your core messages is about the importance of boundaries in healing from trauma. Can you explain the role that boundaries play in recovery, because I’ve been hearing a lot about boundaries in many different ways and in leadership as well. So tell us a little bit about how you see boundaries.

Kat Polsinelli: 27:24

Yeah.

Kat Polsinelli: 27:24

So boundaries was a new word to me several years ago, and it took me a while to really kind of start to figure out what on earth it meant.

Kat Polsinelli: 27:31

So for me, what boundaries mean is you are setting a standard for yourself that you put out in front of the world, and if people cannot meet that standard right, they don’t meet that boundary then you then have the choice to either let them step over it or for you to move on a different direction. But it’s not something that we should be forcing on other people, right? And I think that’s where people get boundaries confused, because they’re like well, they don’t respect my boundaries. Well, that’s not your problem. If they don’t respect your boundaries, then you are to make the decision to walk away or continue to deal with it. That’s the whole point of a boundary. A boundary is to create a line in the sand of what you are willing to deal with and what you are not, but then you still have to make the choice of am I going to allow them to keep doing this or am I going to say we’re done?

Kat Polsinelli: 28:24

And so when I started learning that one, I lost a lot of people in my life which was not a bad thing, but I started bringing people into my life that had a lot more respect for the things that I believe in as well.

Kat Polsinelli: 28:38

I, in turn, also have a lot of respect for what they believe in and so one of the first things that I had to do as far as boundaries was I had to create a boundary that I had the ability to say no. You have the ability to say no, and it doesn’t mean that you need to have some elaborate excuse as to why. But I know that for a lot of people that’s not the easiest, and even for me it was not the easiest. To be like, oh no, I’m sorry, I’m not interested. It shocks your body, especially for someone that has been through traumatic situations. You kind of get stuck in survival and you immediately feel like you’re letting someone down.

Kat Polsinelli: 29:14

So I had to work with creating my boundaries in a space where I felt safe while I was still upholding those. So I would start with things. Like you know, if somebody had asked me, hey, would you like to go out for dinner? Or blah, blah, blah, blah, I’d be like you know what. That is such a great idea. Let me actually take a look at my calendar and see what I have available. I’ll get back to you. So I started creating this space, which is a boundary for me that I do not say yes or no in the moment because I get excited or I feel like I should say yes, and then immediately after and I know I’m not the only person that’s done this, so I know people in the audience are going oh my God. But you immediately are like oh yeah, no, that’s great. And then 15 minutes later you’re like oh, crap.

Kat Polsinelli: 29:55

Right. So that is a boundary for me. I have decided that I no longer give people an answer in the moment and I’ve told people that when people like, oh, but I’m just, and I’m like it’s my boundary that I don’t give an answer in the moment because I don’t want to tell you something, because I’m excited and then have to change it in a few minutes so.

Kat Polsinelli: 30:11

I’ll get back to you and that has been tremendous for me. But it’s creating those boundaries of how you’re willing to allow people to treat you and when you have those in place, you also push away people like my abuser, people that like to talk down right. You push away those people because you stand behind what you’re willing to put up with and not, and it creates almost like this bubble around you willing to put up with and not and it creates almost like this bubble around you and that’s what I mean with when I say we need boundaries, because we need to start with ourselves first and how we feel and want to be treated, and then push that out and then that helps you create who you should be around and who you should not.

Todd Bertsch: 30:57

Yeah, I absolutely love that. Yeah, I think it’s one. First, you have to have that clarity, right, you have to go through that, that self reflection or that, that life audit, to really understand who you are getting in touch with, your emotions, your history, your, your life experiences, and get clear on your core values, your virtues, your North Star, however you want to say it. But it’s to have that clarity in your vision, your mission, your purpose for life and then to set those boundaries. And I look at it like creating that circle of influence, right, the people that are within your inner circle. And we only have so much time in life. Right, I want to spend it with people who what we’re reading, what we’re listening to right, all of these things are having an influence on us, and if they are not uplifting, if they are negative or if they are abusive or whatever they are, they’re not positive, it might be time to let it go Right, to clean house, to spring clean. We’re in spring now.

Todd Bertsch: 32:33

This is a good time to take a look at things to say this is not serving me in the way that I want to be served, Per your point, that boundary that I set. So I talk a lot about that in my presentations, about looking at what is influencing you right the people, the content and those types of things. So it’s easy to you know we get caught up in the day and habits, good or bad, and next thing you know we’re just doing it right and we just say yes. And I’m just like you, Kat, One of my saboteurs in the positive intelligence model is pleaser, and I like to be that guy that steps in.

Todd Bertsch: 33:13

I’m very resourceful and I can help, but it’s tough to say no because I really feel like I need to be helping. So but that was one of the things that I wanted to be intentional about this year and my word for this year was intentionality and I’ve said no and it’s man, it didn’t feel good, but because I’m involved in so many nonprofits and you know people that you know could use some help and I like helping people but you just can’t help everybody and sometimes you just can’t help everybody and sometimes you just got to say no and that gives you some time back to really work on yourself, which, if you’re not working on yourself, if you’re not 100% becoming the best version of yourself, you really can’t help and serve others yeah.

Kat Polsinelli: 33:56

You can’t pour from an empty cup.

Todd Bertsch: 33:58

Where’d you get that? I talk about the empty cup a lot from Bruce Lee, you know he talks about the best cup you can have is an empty cup, because, again, you’re just being open and open to anything and everything to be poured into that cup. Yeah, no, I love it. Well, this has been great cats. I want to talk about your business. So you’re a serial entrepreneur like you, and you go, you go get it. You. You are feisty and fun and positive and you go after it. Hard worker, that’s for sure. And so you have the business, the Lotus Effect, which I read more about it and I love when people are very intentional about the naming of their business. I don’t know if you know Lori Seitz. I think you’ve connected with her and the Zen Rabbits and we talked a lot about her story behind the.

Todd Bertsch: 34:47

Zen Rabbit, and it’s just so personal and so cool and maybe you don’t get it, but if you ask, if you’re curious enough to ask, there’s just a really deeply personal and very cool story behind it. And the Lotus Effect is like that as well, and I’m familiar with a lotus, obviously, but it was nice to be reminded where a lotus flower comes from, which is mud and swamp, right, nothing beautiful, but then it comes out of that into this really beautifully intense flower. So I love that you named the lotus effect. Do you want to talk a little bit about what was that? An epiphany you had, or you just knew right away, like that’s what it was going to be?

Kat Polsinelli: 35:31

No, so it was an epiphany. My business was actually named something completely different when I was doing more coaching and stuff in the beginning and when I wanted to rename it. What’s really funny is I actually fought myself for three days about having a Lotus in the name because I was like everybody has it. It was very symbolic for me.

Kat Polsinelli: 35:50

It was the first tattoo I ever got and it was a reminder of what I had been through and knowing that I can always get past it. And it kept coming back to me. And it kept coming back to me and I was like but like yoga people and holistic, like everybody has a Lotus, Like I didn’t want to be like everyone else and this message came. I was in the shower. I get shower thoughts a lot, so I call it my shower thoughts.

Todd Bertsch: 36:10

Yeah, I’m with you on that. In the gym or in the shower, I’m not sure why.

Kat Polsinelli: 36:13

But oh well, I don’t know what it is, but it was like I was in the shower and I was like the Lotus effect and I was like what, like why? And what I realized was one.

Kat Polsinelli: 36:27

The Lotus has a very powerful effect when you pay attention to what it is that it came from, and the secondary piece to that was the way that I speak to people and the things that I speak about.

Kat Polsinelli: 36:40

It’s to create your own Lotus effect.

Kat Polsinelli: 36:43

I take you from starting in the mud to show you how you can burst through the surface, and then it’s your responsibility to then take that effect and that inspiration that you got and create what it is, that you want to come out of the surface to create whatever it is that you feel like is you.

Kat Polsinelli: 37:00

And so I felt like that was kind of the effect that I had on people was through this journey that the Lotus takes, and so I fought with it for two days and then, when I started thinking about it, I was like, oh my gosh, this is exactly who I am, this is what I speak to, this is the journey that I have been on and this is the journey that I feel like many of us are on. We just don’t realize it. Every single one of us have been stuck in the mud. Every single one of us, whether it was when you were a child, your teenage years, your adulthood everyone has been stuck in the mud at some point and you had to make the choice to grow through it so that you could get to the surface. Every single one of us and so that is the whole point behind the company is how do we find the mud and then start searching for the surface and make the choice to break through, to turn into whatever is beautifully us?

Todd Bertsch: 37:55

I love it. I love it. Are you able to share the tattoo or no? Is it in a?

Kat Polsinelli: 38:00

I have one that’s on. It’s on my back, this is the original one oh, very cool that I had done, and then I had an additional one added uh last year oh, that’s beautiful.

Todd Bertsch: 38:10

I love that thank you so I have a similar story, not related to my business, the bolt or any anything in that but uh, my, I only have one tattoo and I got it during my divorce, but it’s very similar and I designed it. So it’s a phoenix coming out of a fire and lightning bolt. So I’ve always had the bolt and then I have my two kids’ names there. So I designed it and I had this done. So I’ve been a big fan of the phoenix, which is very, very similar, right Rising through the ashes and transforming into something beautiful and going out and having a purposeful life.

Todd Bertsch: 38:51

So some deep meaning there. Sharing tattoos on the podcast this is a first, potentially not the last.

Kat Polsinelli: 39:00

I always love it when I’m the first of something Right, right.

Todd Bertsch: 39:02

So tell us a little bit about the Lotus Effect and some of the last. So I always love it when I’m the first of something, right, right. So tell us a little bit about the Lotus Effect and some of the services you offer, because you do a lot and I don’t think your bio really does justice to all the different things that you do. So I wanted you to have a moment just to tell people the types of services that you provide and how you help people.

Kat Polsinelli: 39:21

Well, thank you. So the main service now is speaking, and that is speaking on domestic violence awareness, education, but also to those that are going into, or already a part of the fields that directly affect those that have been in a traumatic state, right. So, social workers, psychologists, criminal justice they are the ones that we inevitably find ourselves in front of at some point in time, and for a lot of us, especially in a domestic abusive situation, it is law enforcement. And so I am here to break those stigmas. I am here to allow people to ask the questions that you know you never are supposed to ask a survivor, because if you can’t ask the questions and you can’t lean in with genuine curiosity and you can’t get answers from someone that has actually experienced it, how can we expect people to connect and then want to change?

Kat Polsinelli: 40:19

You can read something in a book all day long. It’s not going to stick with you. The same. When you meet somebody face to face and you say this is my story, this is what happened, this is how I felt, and that person goes oh my God, I know what that feels like and I’ve never been in that situation, I never thought about that way. So I’m here to break the stigmas and create the change so that we can see that domestic violence, sexual assault, any type of traumatic event they’re not in these separate buckets that we seem to think they are, because the traumas and the things that come from that are overlapped in our mindset more than we will ever understand, and so it’s time to come back together and realize that this is how we lead change. This is how we bring each other back together by realizing we’re really not that different, and so speaking is the main priority.

Kat Polsinelli: 41:09

I do MC work as well. I love hosting people’s stuff, I love bringing the energy, I love helping create the space for that, and then I also run my podcast right, which is a lot of fun as well. I’d love to be able to talk to people just like you who are willing to share their mud, who are willing to share their pivots and how that’s got them through. I want to create a space of support and connection across the globe, and that’s what I get the chance to be able to do.

Todd Bertsch: 41:35

That’s great, yeah, and if you get a chance, and we’ll have it in the show notes as well. But check out Kat’s podcast, top 10% Globally Ranked, which is not easy to get to, and it’s called Real Chat with Kat and it is, it’s real chat. It’s raw, and I was on the show and we had a great time. You’re an amazing host and this is going to be syndicated as well on some radio stations and TV stations, right?

Kat Polsinelli: 42:03

Yep, yeah, I am so excited, so excited.

Todd Bertsch: 42:04

A couple of weeks, todd, just a couple of weeks. A couple of weeks, all right, very cool. Any ambition for doing a TED Talk? I could totally see you doing that.

Kat Polsinelli: 42:10

Oh, I love that. You asked me that I have had like four or five people come to me and ask about doing a TED Talk.

Todd Bertsch: 42:17

Well, we’re putting it out there.

Kat Polsinelli: 42:19

It is an idea Law of attraction I have played around with it.

Todd Bertsch: 42:22

We’re manifesting it for you.

Kat Polsinelli: 42:24

I’m manifesting it for you. I actually I did have someone that is in the process of getting her TED license out in North Carolina, and she’s already invited me to be a speaker.

Todd Bertsch: 42:33

Okay.

Kat Polsinelli: 42:33

So I will keep you posted and we’ll see where that goes, okay.

Todd Bertsch: 42:37

Yeah, if it was meant to be right Timing, I think it’s a timing thing too. It’s definitely on my list, but I’m not ready for it. I’m still formulating my message. When that comes together I’ll know and then I’ll be ready to take that out to the world. But definitely looking forward to that, so keep me posted. Anything else, kat, what would you love to leave our listeners with? If there’s one core message, what would that be?

Kat Polsinelli: 43:06

This is like one of my favorite things. I love to end with this. Let’s see Core message for the day, because I feel like it’s different depending on who I’m speaking with. Core message today you’re not alone. In a world where we have been chose, meant to choose sides, or we’re told we’re supposed to be here, we’re supposed to be there, we’re supposed to believe in this and we’re supposed to be in that. In a world where a lot of us feel extremely siloed, you’re not alone, and sometimes being alone is a space that you need to be in, to learn to love yourself, before you then blossom back out into the world to create that space to bring others into your life.

Todd Bertsch: 43:38

Yeah, absolutely. I love that and I’d like to leave with just lead with empathy. Let’s assume I know we don’t like to make assumptions, right, but in this case I think it’s okay to say let’s assume that everybody is struggling with something. They might not be deep in the mud, but they’re in some kind of mud. We’re all in a little bit of mud. We’re all struggling with something. So, again, being curious and being open, when you come into any conversation, whether that’s friends, family or some of your colleagues or direct reports just assume everybody is struggling with something and it’s going to be at a different level depending on their season of life. But if we can lead with that, that empathy, right, we’re going to have more meaningful conversations and we’re going to have better relationships, right?

Kat Polsinelli: 44:28

Yeah, I love that.

Todd Bertsch: 44:30

Cool. Well, kat, this has been great. I love you and what you’re doing and your message, and I’m just so glad that we got connected. It’s been great getting to know you and I know that we got connected. Yes, you know, it’s been great getting to know you and I know that we’re going to continue to have other conversations and if I’m ever in, are you in Nashville? Nashville, yeah, which is not a bad place to go. I am definitely going to look you up.

Kat Polsinelli: 44:57

Good.

Todd Bertsch: 44:58

But keeping you in mind for some keynote speaking engagements as well, or some MC events. But check out Kat’s podcast. It’s wonderful and just continue to be you, Kat, real, raw, spreading your powerful message.

Kat Polsinelli: 45:13

Thank you. Right back at you, Todd Thanks for your time today.

Todd Bertsch: 45:17

Thank you for listening to this episode of the Bolt Podcast. You’re on an inspiring journey of growth, transformation and joy, and I’m honored to be a part of it. If you found this episode valuable, please like share it with your friends and consider leaving a review. It means the world to us For show notes, resources and to subscribe to the weekly Motivational Monday newsletter. Please visit toddbertsch.com and don’t forget to follow us on social media at the Bolt with Todd B for more inspiration. Remember, real change doesn’t happen overnight. Start small, stay consistent and watch as your growth unfolds. See you next time, thank you.